Treu.
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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
my summer is complete after that show in central park last night. guster was awesome, rufus was great but boring, and then there's ben. i could see him play every night of the week for the next ten years and it wouldn't get dull. nerds go wild.
highlights included just being there, the girl that threw up in stacey's cup, narcolepsy, all the way up to heaven, that cover that ben and rufus did, the drum-off between ben and brian, and of course fair featuring guster. that was the best song i've ever seen live. holy shit.
life is still life and i'm almost there.
| Give A Fuck. |
Wednesday, July 7, 2004
right, i quit the internet for this summer, so i shouldn't have written that entry. but i have no one else to tell. so if you've got something to say about it, don't leave a comment, i can't see it. just give me a call and verbalize like a human being.
| Give A Fuck. |
9:32AM
i haven't had a horrible dream in a very long time. at least a year or so. so when one comes out of nowhere and scares the hell out of you, along with making you sadder than you've been in a few months, it deserves to be spoken about here. and since i have no one to really connect with these days, i guess i have no choice.
i was sitting on my wire chain-link fence on a beautiful summer day. no clouds. just sun, everywhere. i felt the heat. i think i was with another person, but that person is the only one i can't remember the face of. across the street was a pair of twins. one of them was kaitlyn weeks. the other was just a shittier version. so naturally, i ran over. i put my arm around both of them, and i felt both freeze up, realizing immediately that the situation was uncomfortable. i figured out that it was the wrong summer for me to be acting as casual as i was. i then reverted to my normal state of conversing with people as if they were new. the whole "hi, i'm ryan" thing. eventually the conversations we had were tolerable, no hard feelings, and so on. the next thing i know, kaitlyn turned into a small bird. a hummingbird. i lost sight of her, and even though she was a bird and couldn't talk (even though it is a dream and she technically should've been able to talk, i mean, it is a dream, things are usually strange like that) i had a conversation with her. things started to get mean. we started fighting, arguing. at one point i snapped and got so intensely dramatic it scared me. i can onnly say this because i know when i'm dreaming, and i felt like the way i was acting in the dream was too much. i had alot of hate at that moment. confused, inarticulate hate. i remember getting kaitlyn to stop fluttering all around my front yard, and to land in my hand. i calmed her down and stroked the feathers on her tiny head. i remember saying to her, "i can't believe that you can have the same thoughts as me even though your head is the size of my thumb fingernail." i was weeping hysterically at this point and i don't know why. i can't even remember what we were talking about that was so bad. she stopped fluttering in my hand, even. the hummingbird that stopped. the other twin was still around too, and i think at some point she became a severly-irish mrs. weeks. kaitlyn flew from my hand and went to my front door. she knocked on it with her beak, and the door opened. she flew to the mirror in my hallway and looked into it, me outside on the walkway looking up into the mirror through the glare in my front door. i saw her eyes. when she's sad, they get a little rounder than normal. they appear to let you know that there's a six year-old in that body somewhere, and she never got the toy she wanted for christmas one year. even in a hummingbird i could see it. she hovered in place for a few minutes, and then flew out the door again.
i'm still outside, searching for a small blue hummingbird. i can't find it. i start to call out for her, and in a few minutes she reappears n the form of a tiny, spotted butterfly. don't ask me how i knew it was her, it just was. we talked again, or rather i talked, or rather i was screaming pretty loudly. i was so mad. at something so small. i could hardly see her. she'd land on those small clover flowers my yard grows when my dad forgets to mow the lawn, and i'd lay down next to this bed of weeds and try to get calm again. she took off, and i got heated once again. i've never been such a mix of frustration and pain and sadness as i was in this dream. it's a horrible feeling. the next thing i know is that somehow, kaitlyn isn't okay. she's either sick, or gone, or i dunno what. i turn around and ask her mom what's going on. "nothing, dear, she's fine," she replies in a thick irish accent. but i know better. something was very wrong, and i felt terrible about it. i was hysterical. just screaming outloud to no one, nobody there to hear it, or witness me alone in my front yard. mrs. weeks was just an irish figure. she didn't seem to have any emotion. "please, call your daughter with my cell phone and let me know if she's okay. i have to know." she gets on the phone, and after a few rings, someone answers kaitlyn's phone, but it's not her. yes, she is there, says the voice, but she is very sick and has a fever of 104.
and that's all i remember. there was no end, there was just a sickness that i knew was there. i knew it was bad. i woke up with my air conditioning emitting a low hum and the sun blasting through my cheap-ass blinds. my pillow was soaked, so that can only mean one thing. i know my brother was in the other bed, but i wonder if he heard any violent shaking or random sleep-screaming. all this from a twenty-second fit of unconsciousness.
sometimes i wonder if the way the events of this year have gone the right way. mostly, i wonder if i've been doing the right thing.
today i woke up and realized that everything i've done since november has been more wrong than i could have ever imagined.
this would be a horrible movie.
| Give A Fuck. |
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
the last two days were amazing. i had my orientation at rhode island. i thought it was gonna suck, but it turned out to be great. i met a few really cool kids and i loved the campus and the whole feel of the place. the food was good, my schedule is exciting, and i just can't wait to get out there on my own.
so props to chris, joe, rebekah, suzanne, shaun, kevin and lauren for being just what i needed.
then there's alicia from east providence. my best bud at uri, my first out-of-state friend. chances are she'll never see this, or want to, but she's amazing. i spent two hours just lying with her in the middle of the quad on the cold grass, looking at the stars and talking about everything there is to talk about. that's one of my new favorite memories.
so, everyone going to orientation soon, you'll love it. if your school is as laid back and diverse as mine, it'll be a hell of a good time.
fall 2004
uri101 (freshman seminar)
eng252 (intro to british lit)
lib120 (intro to library research)
ast 108 (astronomy)
mus106 (history of jazz)
phl 103 (intro to philosophy)
so this summer, it looks like i'll be taking several overnight trips to connecticut, worcester, and east providence. i'm so excited!
haha, bj can kick himself in the head. how fucked up is that?!?
Current mood:  tired Current music: phantom planet | Give A Fuck. |
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
senior year of high school is officially over. there is no more patchogue-medford for me. it feels pretty good. i will miss the stage and a few teachers, but that's about it. thanks to everyone that's made an impact on me over the years. you know i really care if you read where i signed your yearbook. i'm just gonna chill every day on my deck with my stereo blasting, wearing my white space-age sunglasses with my fucked-up hair. i might love this summer the most of all...
hooray for long phone calls and pepsi.
oh, and franz ferdinand and muse are like, the two best bands ever. start listening if you haven't.
call me up, kids.
smith
Current mood:  cheerful Current music: time is running out-muse | 1 Fucker Give A Fuck. |
Friday, June 4, 2004
Monday, May 31, 2004
from peacefully hanging out in the bowling alley parking lot til midnight on thursday,
to sitting peacefully at the bar in larry's backyard on friday,
to smoking peaceully with shawn bruton in jimmy's backyard while a drunken drama fest was going on all around us on saturday...
i had a good weekend for once. holla.
Current mood: chipper Current music: dark of the matinee | Give A Fuck. |
Friday, May 28, 2004
so senior cut day itself was actually pretty dumb. but i think i concluded that daytime is dumb. it's the nights that count. nothing treuly awesome can happen during the day, when it's light out. yeah, we can golf, and drive around without plans listening to music, and go to the beach for ten minutes and eat cereal and watch sportscenter and wear george's emo clothes, and that's fun, but i just enjoy evenings alot more. it's more fun at night. and only with the right people.
we feel cooler at night. we like to defy the clock.
i would write about the last spring concert but it's not worth it. good job to ari lev and the chamber kids, and randazzo is the best person i've ever known, i love how he loves his kids. eggsuck.
someone just...date me.
| 1 Fucker Give A Fuck. |
Monday, May 24, 2004
what's better than whacking the shit out of golf balls in the pouring rain, while lightning is coming down all around you and thunder shakes the ground and all of a sudden, BLAM it starts to hail??
...?
no, really, i'm asking.
because that was by far the best thing i've ever written about in my livejournal.
Current mood: wet, just like pete's shot. Current music: franz ferdinand-take me out | 2 Fuckers Give A Fuck. |
well i guess life is okay. as long as the red sox keep winning, i'll keep smiling. i love being a fan of a sports team just because their location happens to be my favorite city.
i was pretty pissed two days ago, but i guess i've gotten over that, too. it seems i still need to do some talking, and some writing, and alot more golfing. let's talk about golf for a second. i went to three different driving ranges four times in three days. with pete, with cassie, with bill, any combination of the three. it's the best thing to do to let out aggravation. it just makes you feel good. i pick up a club and smack the shit out of the ball, almost every time. this is becoming like eating for me, gotta do it at least once a day. pete is the next brian gay, he's mad good with a driver.
well aside from golfing, i've slept about five hours since thursday night, and the time i've been awake has been mostly a teenage blast, aside from a little bit of frustration. but i'm much better. cass, i don't know if you know how much you helped me. even when i was sitting awake on your floor while you slept, you helped me. even though you didn't feel good and were breathing funny all night and kept lightly wincing and scaring the shit out of me, you helped me. i stayed awake not to think at that point, but to make sure you were good. i've never stayed awake for someone for that long. thanks.
so yeah, alot of driving around in probes and volvos with mad good music and smoking cigars and getting wendy's and golf golf golf with the treuest of treus, peter and cassie. goodnight, i'm better.
smith
| 3 Fuckers Give A Fuck. |
Friday, May 21, 2004
this only concerns one person who won't even see it.
i haven't slept all that well in the past two weeks. i don't even get the chance to have bad dreams, because i'm too busy lying awake and staring at my ceiling. there have been two bad dreams. i beat three of my best friends to a pulp and screamed at them until i thought my head would fall off. beyond that, when i'm awake, i struggle at life. yes there are many things to be happy about, and that can easily distract me from my horrible thoughts. but when there's nothing to keep me occupied, i get bad. i get extremely pissed. this entire situation is ridiculous. i'm so pissed that i don't even know what i'm pissed about anymore. yes, the last six months of my life were a bad mistake. why is a bad mistake killing me? guilt, i guess? why should i feel guilty about my feelings? these things keep me up at night. and knowing that i have no way of expressing this to anyone in words is slowly ruining me.
my philosophy is that stating anything that you inherently feel obviously means that it can't be true. if things were as good as you felt they were, you wouldn't have to state them. let them just be good, without announcing it. the minute you announce something, you're only convincing yourself. i don't care if you don't agree.
that's why i don't say anything anymore. that and i'm pissed but too stubborn to ask why.
hence the text message.
i guess what pisses me off the most is that i hate knowing that i can't ever talk to the one person i know i'd die for in a heartbeat ever again. that needed to be announced.
fucking bullshit, this all is.
| 5 Fuckers Give A Fuck. |
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
6:55AM
our last high schools concerts are coming up..raise your hand if you're a bit sad about it. no hands? none? hmm.
| 2 Fuckers Give A Fuck. |
Friday, May 14, 2004
me and george spent this week recording a song. it was all done on reason, the sickest music technology i've ever seen for a computer. everything's complete except for the vocals. it feels really good to have a song on a cd. and for a first effort, i think it came out pretty good. let me know if you want to hear it, i'll send it to you. you gotta keep in mind though, its computer-y tone will eventually be replaced by real instruments.
1/2 of a secret handshake. coming summer 2004. the summer of rock.
Current mood:  hungry Current music: down to the steps | Give A Fuck. |
Monday, May 10, 2004
i wish i could tell certain people how much they mean to me. i really do.
and i also wish i could tell other certain people that i lost all respect and trust for them because they stabbed me in the fucking back.
i also wish that i could undo everything that's happened in high school. if nothing happened, then i'd be great.
it's funny, i'm the strongest advocate against high school drama bullshit, yet i seem to have the most. life is fun.
| 2 Fuckers Give A Fuck. |
Sunday, May 9, 2004
may 9, 2003
"along with the week of the show, this has got to be up there as one of the best weeks of the year. it takes alot to make an entire week great, let alone one day. i was happy from monday morning, right through this very moment, with only several moments of complete confusion and misunderstanding in between. despite school itself, being at nyssma for seven hours, the ap test, and work, i still managed to smile more than i ever have in one week. despite my failure to understand math, my over-abundant absence record in computer keyboarding and my cutting of montenare's class twice in five days, i am on top of the world. i left school early today, and went to the diner with my friends. i ate cupcakes and wished mrs rudnicki a pleasant baby. i sat with people in a new lunch period that i now realize i will truly miss next year. i have twenty-something days of class left with these people. then i'll most likely never see them again, if occasionally. i want to have as much fun as i can in these remaining months, and this past week certainly set that foundation. who knows where i can go from here. it's crazy. i can't believe this. thanks again. goodnight."
and now a year later, where am i? obviously, i have much less stress, i forgot how tough junior year was.
but if i could trade in my stress-free days without a significant other for a ridiculous workload and someone to be with, i would.
i guess it's cause i've never not been with someone this time of the year. help.
why can't i get over this. fuck.
| 2 Fuckers Give A Fuck. |
Thursday, May 6, 2004
last night gave me more of a mix of fun, inspiration, and a potential career decision than i've ever had before in my life. i saw bleu perform at the knitting factory. hell, i performed with bleu at the knitting factory. i was in a 'choir'. better than everything i've done in a school chorus in two years, and this only lasted two hours! hahahaha, anyway. we hung out with bleu (a.k.a. william j. mccauley III) and sang songs and clapped our hands in the dressing room, and i watched musicians--real musicians, not the kind that go on to teach music or perform classically, but the ones that go out across the country and live life in performing their own music, night after night, loving every second and earning hardly any money. i watched musicians walk in and out, in their wannabe-rockstar garb, with their guitars and long hair, and i loved every second. i loved watching them talk about music--real music. classic american rock. i loved looking out over the top of the crowd from the balcony. i loved being blown away by the intensity of sound, and not being able to think or hear when i stepped out for fresh air. and i loved being a part of it in the end, because i've never felt better performing music.
bleu's set was the best thing i've ever seen. his music is the best i know. his voice is better than any other male singer out there; i used to think rufus wainwright was the best, but this guy could run circles around rufus until he turned rufus straight, musically speaking. bleu and his band have more of a grip on the rudiments and theories of music than any other kind of performer could ever have. his guitarist could play with his tongue. and he did. tickets only cost twelve bucks, when for what the show was worth, should have been worth fifty.
i loved the people, the music, the singing, the rocking, the dancing, and the fact that i had ears.
maybe for awhile i'll try journalism. music journalism. travel the country, go to shows, write reviews, columns, whatever. i want to play at the same time. get the full effect of the underground rock movement in america. if i could play and tour and write and play and travel and sing and play and write, i'd be complete. this was all swirling around in my head last night. all i want to do is rock. i should've figured that out a long time ago.
na nana na nana, na nana na nana.
| 4 Fuckers Give A Fuck. |
Monday, May 3, 2004
twenty-nine more days of high school. i think that's fantastic! ::thumbs up::
i'll write something true when the truth comes.
| 1 Fucker Give A Fuck. |
Friday, April 30, 2004
John Laroche: Then one morning, I woke up and said, "Fuck fish." I renounce fish, I will never set foot in that ocean again. And there hasn't been a time where I have stuck so much as a toe back in that ocean.
Susan Orlean: But why?
John Laroche: Done with fish.
| Give A Fuck. |
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